Hello, everyone
I’m Glad you’re all on holidays,
Considering your first and only emails are awful.
To just email;
I know you’re busy getting your essays ready;
But, please, make it polite and easy on your recipients.
Please email;
Now you know just how worse it can be
When it’s the 20th email you get every day.
Forget face-to-face conversation;
Let it be our emails:
Last resort when everything else fails;
Forget face-to-face conversation;
We are all on holiday.
And we all know best, once and for all,
How great it is to email.
It’s easy and simple and eminently punctilious.
It was our first email, and it was ours to begin with.
E-mail can be as passive aggressive as verbal ones,
But it’s brief and unadorned:
If you have any queries, ask for that round-the-curtain
Scheduling link.
Dampened dignity has no place in this world;
If you’re not here, then we’re likely to get the wrong
News.
To you I send a bowing, excited
Bracelet, proving that you have paid
The same price as everyone else for this holiday
Sun.
Dear Ahdaf, please pick up that proposal.
And to all the other subscribers I should
Yogurt out my idea in an urgent fashion
Which I am quite sure will not prove as original
As any original idea of yours.
If I don’t have answers, I’ll just catch up
With my A-grade exams.
Don’t worry: after a year of study,
And all the frank advice you give,
You’ll find that we’re still the most intelligent.
We still have something to say to everyone
Who’s sent us more than one stupid
Email.
So we do just email and arrive,
Ahdaf.
Can we have a tissue please?
It really would help if people learned to email,
As it’s the perfect medium,
For crisply enunciated, succinct
Advice.